There’s a moment from childhood that has never left me.
I was around eight or nine, new to foster care, still trying to understand how my life had split in two, the life I used to know and the life I suddenly belonged to. We were walking through a dollar store, the kind where the lighting is dim and everything feels a little gray, and right in the back were these skinny, bare Christmas trees.
They looked tired.
They looked hungry.
They looked like they were trying their best to stand tall, even though there wasn’t much holding them up.
I remember staring at them with this ache I didn’t know how to name. My eyes burned. My stomach flipped. And I cried right there in the aisle because all I could think was:
“If my mom has a tree this year, I bet it looks as sad as these. Or maybe she doesn’t have one at all. Maybe she’s alone… and hurting.”
It wasn’t just a tree to me.
It was a symbol of loneliness.
A symbol of separation.
A symbol of the kind of childhood no child should have to live through.
That was the year I learned that the holidays could hurt.
The Little Girl Inside Me Has Never Forgotten
Every year, even now, I can feel her stirring.
The little girl who longed for family.
The little girl who wanted Christmas to feel magical but instead felt the weight of adult worries.
The little girl who carried a kind of sadness too heavy for her years.
And even though I’m grown now, even though I have a home, a partner, and children who light up my world, there’s still a part of me that tenses when the season approaches.
A part that watches the calendar with caution.
A part that whispers:
“Is this year going to hurt again? Are we safe?Is there enough?”
Because inside every adult with childhood trauma… there is still a child who remembers.
Old Environments Wake Up Old Wounds
Being around family used to be one of my biggest holiday triggers.
Not because of something happening in the present, but because the holidays have a way of pulling you back into the emotional world you grew up in.
Even when you’ve healed.
Even when you’ve grown.
Even when you’re different now.
Returning to old environments can resurrect old versions of you:
- the quiet one
- the one who didn’t ask for anything
- the one who worried about everyone else
- the outsider
- the forgotten
- the invisible child
- the over-responsible little adult
Walking into a room where those versions once lived is like walking into a house filled with the ghosts of your past.
And your body feels it before your mind does.
How Holiday Season Feels in My Adult Body
Now, as a grown woman, holidays often bring:
- the urge to isolate
- grief that sits heavy in my chest
- irritation that’s really emotional flashbacks
- the weight of wanting to give my kids everything I never had
- the pressure of “is this enough?”
- the exhaustion from being social when my nervous system wants quiet
But with compassion and honesty, I’ve learned something important:
These reactions are not my personality.
They are my trauma talking.
They are my inner child calling out.
And she deserves to be heard.
The Trauma You Feel During the Holidays Is Not “Just You”
This is where I want to speak directly to you, the reader:
The holidays can feel heavy not because you’re ungrateful or sensitive but because this time of year hits the same wounds you grew up protecting.
Here’s what trauma might look like in your adult body:
• Withdrawing even when you love people
Your body is protecting you from overwhelm.
• Feeling unsafe in safe environments
Your nervous system learned early that joy can turn into hurt.
• Emotional flashbacks
Not memories just waves of sadness, irritation, or fear.
Because the child in you never had safety, so she seeks control.
• Feeling disconnected or numb
This is not coldness, it’s protection.
• Overspending or overperforming
Trying to fill a hole that was never meant to be yours.
You are not broken.
You are not “bad at holidays.”
You are not dramatic.
You are not difficult.
You are surviving memories your adult mind has forgotten but your body still remembers.
What’s Happening in the Brain + Body (Simple Trauma Science)
Holidays activate trauma because of three things:
1. Sensory Triggers
Smells, sounds, decorations, even if neutral, connect to past emotional states.
2. Emotional Associations
Your nervous system remembers loneliness, instability, chaos, or loss and reacts as if it’s happening again.
3. Nervous System Overload
The holidays disrupt routines, create overstimulation, and can trigger fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses without your permission.
This is why “simple” holiday stress hits trauma survivors much harder.
Your body isn’t overreacting.
It’s remembering.
A Gentle Grounding Exercise (Holiday Edition)
The “I Am Here, Not There” Reset
This is powerful for emotional flashbacks or overwhelm.
- Place your hand over your heart or womb.
- Feel your feet against the floor.
- Slowly breathe in through your nose for 4.
- Hold for 2.
- Release for 6.
- Whisper to yourself:
- “I am safe right now.”
- “I don’t live in that house anymore.”
- “This season cannot harm me.”
- “Little me is allowed to rest.”
This gently signals your nervous system to return to the present moment.
How to Soothe Your Inner Child During the Holidays
Try one or two of these:
• Give yourself the holiday you needed back then
Even in small ways.
Bake the cookie. Get the cozy blanket. Watch the movie.
• Set a boundary your younger self never could
Say no. Leave early. Choose peace.
• Create rituals that feel safe
A lit candle. A morning prayer. A nighttime stretch. Something that anchors you.
• Speak kindly to yourself
Especially when sadness or irritation surface.
• Remind yourself “This is an old feeling, not a new danger.”
• Hold your little self with compassion
She waited a long time to feel safe.
Reflection Questions for Readers
- What holiday memory shaped the way I experience this season now?
- What does my inner child long for during this time of year?
- What triggers show up for me annually?
- What is one thing I can change to make this season feel softer?
- How can I honor both grief and joy without abandoning myself?
A Prayer for the Triggered Heart
God, this season brings up memories I wish I could forget. Show me where I’m hurting. Sit with me in the places that feel heavy. Hold the little girl inside me who still longs for safety, warmth, and belonging. Remind me that I am not alone. Help me create new traditions rooted in healing, not fear. Protect my mind, soften my heart, and steady my breath. I release the pressure to be perfect and embrace the peace of simply being held by You.
Amen.