“I’ve often felt like I was living in a storm, where my emotions were the winds and my relationships were the trees bending to their will.”
For years, I didn’t know how to stop the chaos trauma created in my life. I didn’t realize the scars from past experiences had become invisible threads—pulling and distorting the way I connected with those I loved. Trauma doesn’t stay isolated within us. It ripples outward. It touches our relationships, sometimes without us even realizing it. The first step in healing those relationships is recognizing how trauma might be shaping them.
How Trauma Shapes Relationships
Trauma doesn’t just live in our memories—it lives in how we relate to others. It becomes a filter through which we view love, trust, and communication. Whether with family, friends, or romantic partners, it can build walls, blur boundaries, and twist our expectations of connection.
In my case, it impacted every kind of relationship I had.
Family
My relationship with my mother was tumultuous. With my father, there wasn’t one—until I reached my 30s. My brother was the only true connection I had, but even that relationship was shaped by our shared trauma. I often treated strangers better than my family and avoided them entirely whenever I could. That wasn’t about love—it was about survival.
Friendships
Depression and seasonal affective disorder made me incredibly flaky. I would make plans and then disappear. I didn’t have the tools to communicate what I was going through, so many friendships suffered. And yet, a handful of friends stayed. They stuck by me even when I didn’t make it easy—something I’m forever grateful for.
Romantic Relationships
This is where trauma really showed up for me.
My romantic relationships were chaotic and confusing. I would be warm and emotionally available one moment, then distant and critical the next. I didn’t know how to handle vulnerability, so I kept things physical. Intimacy—true, emotional intimacy—felt unsafe.
I now realize that what I was doing was protecting myself. Sometimes I pushed people away hoping they’d fight for me. Other times, I’d lash out so they’d leave first—so I wouldn’t have to face rejection. I created a pattern: hot and cold behavior, emotional outbursts, and confusion. It wasn’t love—it was survival mode.
Understanding Trauma Bonds
One of the biggest turning points in my healing journey came when I learned about trauma bonds.
What Is a Trauma Bond?
A trauma bond is an intense emotional connection formed with someone during or after a cycle of abuse, emotional pain, or dysfunction. These relationships often involve high emotional highs and deep emotional lows, which can feel addictive. You may find yourself excusing mistreatment, minimizing red flags, or feeling unable to walk away.
Trauma bonds form because our brains begin to associate love with pain—especially if past abuse or neglect has shaped our view of relationships. The inconsistency, the chaos, the intense reconciliation afterward—it can all feel like passion or destiny. But it’s not. It’s the brain trying to find safety in familiarity, even if that familiarity is harmful.
My Experience
In one relationship, I broke things off after developing feelings I couldn’t handle. When I found out he slept with someone else days later, I was hurt—but I gave him a pass. I told myself he had been honest. But when I confronted him, he looked me in the eye and said, “You can’t trust me because of your trauma.”
He used my vulnerability against me—and that became a pattern I began to notice across many relationships.
Healing Through Communication and Boundaries
Healing began when I started taking responsibility for my role in these patterns. Not blame—responsibility. I had to learn how to distinguish between my trauma responses and my true feelings. I began practicing open communication, especially in moments when I felt triggered or overwhelmed.
Using “I” Statements
Saying things like, “I’m feeling anxious right now and need some space,” became a game-changer. Instead of bottling up or exploding, I started communicating with honesty and compassion. That shift made space for understanding.
Prayer and Self-Reflection
Prayer has also helped me ground myself emotionally. When I felt out of control, I’d pause and pray. It helped me reflect before reacting. Over time, I learned that I didn’t need to justify my boundaries—I just needed to trust them.
The Power of Boundaries
Boundaries are the invisible lines that protect our emotional, mental, and physical well-being. When trauma distorts our understanding of safety, we often either let everything in or keep everything out. Healthy boundaries are the middle ground.
They allow us to:
- Define what’s okay and not okay
- Recognize when a relationship is emotionally unsafe
- Rebuild our sense of worth by showing ourselves respect
An Example from Friendship
In one early friendship, I kept agreeing to hang out but always bailed. Eventually, my friend called me out. That forced me to confront what was really happening—and it led to an honest conversation. That friendship survived because we learned how to set expectations that worked for both of us.
Breaking the Cycle
Healing from trauma doesn’t mean we’ll never struggle in relationships again. But it does mean we’ll start recognizing the signs sooner. It means we’ll stop mistaking emotional chaos for love. It means we’ll begin choosing relationships that reflect our healed selves, not our wounded ones.
The ripple effect of trauma is real—but so is the ripple effect of healing. When we take ownership of our journey, we don’t just change our lives—we transform every relationship around us.
Final Reflection
If you find yourself stuck in patterns that hurt, I want you to know this: you are not broken. You are responding to pain the best way you know how. But there is another way forward. With support, awareness, and intentional healing, you can break the cycle and build the kind of relationships you deserve.